My Fantasy Football Team is Fucking Stacked
I know a lot of people don’t really care about other people’s fantasy football drafts. But. Wait ‘til you hear how fucking stacked my fantasy football team is.
Trim McDice, photo courtesy of Trim McDice
Overview: 12-team PPR, standard scoring, snake draft. I got the 7th pick.
1st Round Pick: Stefon Diggs - WR1
This was a sick pick for several reasons. First, Diggs is really gud and he puts up really gud numbers every year. Second, Josh Allen should have a really gud year, which means Diggs is gonna fucking eat. Sick pick.
2nd Round Pick: Josh Jacobs - RB1
Jacobs led the league in rushing yards last year, so when I was able to get him with the 18th pick overall, everyone at my draft freaked the fuck out. They couldn’t believe I was “lucky” enough to get him that late, but when you prepare like I do, sometimes opportunity seems like luck, but it’s not. Not for me at least.
3rd Round Pick: Mark Andrews - TE1
“You kidding me?” That’s what I kept hearing after I was able to get Mark Andrews—arguably the best pound-for-pound TE in the league—in the third round. No, I’m not kidding you. I’m just blessed with talent.
4th Round Pick: Amari Cooper - WR2
Amari Cooper is my number two wide receiver. Think about that for a second. Amari Cooper—one of the most talented wide receivers of our generation who plays with a generational quarterback in Deshaun Watson—is my number two wide receiver. Most people would be thrilled to have him as their number one wide receiver. Well…I’m not most people.
5th Round Pick: Breece Hall - RB2
This was the pick that set our draft room into a frenzy. One of my boys had to pause the draft because he swore someone already drafted Hall in the second round. I had to tell him, “Na bro, he wasn’t drafted in the second round…but he should have been.”
After the draft was over, about 5 or 6 of my boys came up to me and said this was the best pick they’d ever seen, and I said “thanks, but I actually think my 7th round pick is the best pick ever” and they all said “oh, yeah, you’re right.” They know I’m the GTEDI (Greatest To Ever Do It), and they show me the respect I deserve.
6th Round Pick: Terry McLaurin - WR3
No, this isn’t a typo. Terry McLaurin—the clear #1 receiver for the Commanders and a top 5 talent—fell to me in the sixth round. After I made this pick, I actually heard my boy Stumpy J. mutter under his breath “fuck, Trim’s team is fucking stacked again.” Yeah. What else is new?
7th Round Pick: D’Andre Swift - RB3
I’ve made a lot of incredible picks in my fantasy football career, but this one might just be not only my best pick ever, but the best fantasy football pick in history, and a lot of people seem to agree. From a pure math perspective, Swift has one of the highest ceilings of all running backs this year, so this pick has upside out the ass. Not to mention the fact that, at worst, Swift should be a top 15 RB, and I got him as my RB3. This is unprecedented value that no one has ever seen before.
Quick side note about this pick: I am not religious at all and never really believed in God, but after I made this pick I actually started to wonder if maybe there is a God. How else could I explain why I have been blessed with the intellect, instinct, and skills to make a pick like this?
8th Round Pick: Deshaun Watson - QB1
9th Round Pick: Tua Tagovailoa - QB1
Since QB is loaded this year, I waited and took Deshaun Watson and Tua Tagovailoa—both likely MVP candidates—back-to-fucking-back. After I took Tua, I could hear people gasping because they couldn’t believe how loaded my team was.
Even my boy Bags—who is still a little salty at me for fucking his wife a few years back—begrudgingly said these were “two of the best picks [he’d] ever seen.” And for a compliment like that to come from Bags—after everything I put him and his family through over the years—really means a lot.
10th Round Pick: Taysom Hill - TE2
After this pick, I just sat back with a smile on my face and thought to myself “I can’t believe how gud my life is.”
11th Round Pick: Jerry Jeudy - WR4
From a talent perspective, Jerry Jeudy is without a doubt a top 5 WR, and could be—could be—the number one fantasy WR this season. And I got him in the 11th round. Let that sink in.
12th Round Pick: Washington Commanders - D
This was a sick pick when you consider how loaded the Commanders’ defense is this year.
13th Round Pick: Jason Myers - K
What more can I say? Myers is probably the best pound-for-pound kicker in the NFC, and I got him in the 13th round.
14th Round Pick: Zay Jones - WR5
The fact of the matter is that Zay Jones—my number 5 WR—would probably start for every other team in my league, but, because my team is stacked to the tits, he will likely never get any time on my squad. I’m just that gud.